Thursday, June 20, 2013

So Why I'm *Way* Without, I'm guessing

So to tell you the truth, I'm a little scared of sex. You know, with other people.  I'm caught somewhere in between "He's only after one thing" or the ever popular "He won't buy the cow if you're giving away the milk for free" and women's sexual liberation which proclaims "Women can like sex just as much as men!" but they don't add maybe the most important part, which I take to be "without judgement." Honestly, I think most of America is stuck smack-dab in the exact same place.

So, I have needs. I'd like to have me some sex. But. Butt. Boobs. Belly.
Suffice it to say, I am not a fan of my naked body.  Don't get me wrong, I totally dig what it can do and what it is capable of - I just don't want anyone to, ya know, see it. And there are some technical difficulties when having sex with a woman of my size.  Plus the whole, "loving partner" thing.  I'd like to explore my sexuality with a loving partner. Something, someone I do not have.

Which puts me back to where I started.  Do I take my autonomy and just go out and have me some sex? With who? Do I have to be naked for it? I really have to break someone in, you know, like ease him into accepting my nakedness. And are men just after one thing? Because do they even try anymore?

Tiny, high-desert (closed) mining town. Convenience store. 8 am.

Me: dying because it is So Freaking! early, waiting my turn at the iced coffee machine.
Random Guy: Excuse me. (Moves over and does double take at me.)
Me: goes about my business. Pays and walks to car.
Random Guy: Hey! (hushed, fast, loud whispering) Come here! (throws something out window onto ground.) That's my number.  Get it!  Hurry! Before he comes out!
Me??  (blink) I'm not picking up your trash.

This starts in back-and-forth between Random Guy and Me. I can't really understand what he's saying, except for he's rushed, doesn't want someone in store to see him talking to me, wants me to pick up crumpled paper in parking lot because supposedly it's his phone number. I give Random Guy my business card and tell him to call me because I'm not picking up his paper.
End scene.

Phone calls.  This guy is still whisper/yelling and I can't understand his name exactly so I start calling him Jeremy (true) saying he wants to "hang out". (sidebar: at this time, I had NO idea that "hanging out" was a euphemism for "have sex".) I say, why not? and also, why you trying to keep it quiet?  Doesn't want everyone to know his "business".

Texts. Suddenly, I have text of man squatting with his dingle and berries hanging between his knees. Cash in one hand. Another text comes in with his penis up close and personal saying "hi".

I'm all DUDE! UMM, NO! Not ok. And what's with the Cash!? Like I'm a prostitute? And I don't even know your last name! I don't get freaky until someone at least takes me on a date.
So apologies, etc etc. And it seems as if he might be trainable.  But then, "so yea i guess when can i take u out?"  Sorry, not good enough. You need to try harder.

So after weeks of ignoring his texts, he asks, can't we at least be friends? So I relent (and I still do want me some sex and not for nothing, but it wasn't terrible, ya know?). So I text back that we could if we start slowly and be friendly (which in my book was things that friends might do, say or be.  Not sex buddies, just like "Hi, we just met but you seem interesting. Also, I'm allergic to beets.") He goes on again about me having a "man".  Which, granted a friend might ask (but not in that way -plus he really just got points off for being repetitive.  I mean, he'd already asked and I'd already answered about a dozen times. Plus, like I'd be wasting my time with this looser if I had someone better.)

Texts. Can I please meet him at the park, he needs someone to talk to (8 pm)? No response from me so at 2 a.m. more penis shots.


So yeah.  I've been told over and over that my standards are too high.  But really, penis texts in the first week? Acting like he's trying to keep me on the D.L.? I guess it must be true, my standards are higher than this.

That's all I got for now.
It's a sad state of affairs.

No comments:

Post a Comment