Saturday, February 23, 2013

No. 2 (Perhaps)

I just got my hair cut.  I used to have long hair (which I imagine that men like) but as I wore it up, and in a bun no less, at least a good 90% of the time, I figured it doesn't really count.  So being the easily bored type (which, by the way, I *am* totally the easily bored type - but this Absolutely, Positively Does Not Count because I swear I've had the same hair cut more-or-less for 10 years), I decided that I wanted to change it up.  So I changed the color slightly: from RED with a bit of blonde streaks to RED with a bit of copper streaks.  And I had her cut it.  And I wanted it to be Very noticeable.
It's not.  I look exactly the same but with shorter hair.  And that's always the way.

I have the same face and take the same picture as when I was a baby.  Now here's the unfair thing: Jsa, my nephew, looked exactly like me when he was a baby.  He looks totally different now and such a cutie!  For real, y'all.  He is a very attractive young man.  He got to "grow" into his looks.  I got to keep mine.  Hmph.

Oh, so getting back to the "why I probably don't have a boyfriend reason number 2" thing.  I need to style my hair now as I don't have the option of putting it up.  Also.  I need to wear makeup.  I decided I was going to start making an effort on my appearance more and yeah, that's gone to shitake mushrooms.  Also.  I need to shave my legs, get my nails done, get a pedi, lose some weight, exercise, walk my dogs, learn to speak Spanish, study more, clean my house, clean out my refrigerator, mop, dust, do laundry - WAIT!  I'm exhausted. What was the point again?
Take pride in my appearance. 

I lost my mascara.  I have like three of them.  I keep one in my purse and I can't find it.  In fact, I hate my purse. In fact, that's not the point at all.  But how am I expected to put on mascara when I can't find the stuff to put on!?
And shave my legs?  Do you people realize that I live in a teeny, tiny trailer the size of large SUV and the shower is like half the size of a port-o-potie?
And again, I am quite LARGE.  Oh!  And to top that off, the hot water heater storage tank holds about four minutes of hot water.  So I can wash my front side or my backside, but not both. 
I exaggerate. Slightly. But not about how much hot water I get, I really don't get much and four minutes is about right.

I need to take pride in my appearance, which I kind of do because I am ALWAYS (wait, where is the Bold and underline and italics for that?) trying and buying clothes in an attempt to look Less fat. 
And, if I do say so myself, I do have a great sense of style, quite unique to me, and still hip, if a bit funky.
I just can't be bothered with makeup and hair styling all the time.  I think I look pretty good without it.  But as one person put it, it's the icing on the cake - would I give a birthday cake to a friend that I hadn't put frosting on?  Well . . . eh.  Ok, ok.  I wouldn't. I guess.

But, it just seems like a lot of work to do everyday for a guy.  At least the guys I know anyway.

Wait!  I think I'm inspiring myself to go out shopping!  For mascara!  For new razors! For things I can't afford!  A new purse! A new movie to watch as I sit here alone on a Saturday night without a boyfriend!

Target, here I come!!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

No. 1 (Probably)

So, I mentioned that I am trying online dating again. (Seriously, this is the most ridiculous way to meet someone and I have endured it at least a dozen times.)
And why I don't have a boyfriend?
Men type, "Hi - love your smile (eyes, hair, _____ ). Here is my phone number, text me." 
Seriously?  I don't know you.  I don't want to give you my phone number.  I don't even want people I do know to have my personal phone number, i.e. my cell.
Some men get tired very quickly.  Some stick it out.  Some don't seem to really want to go anywhere, so on one occasion, being so bored with it/him, I offered my phone number.

So trying my hand at online dating (a fat-girl site) anew, when a "gentleman" wrote he wanted me to text him please, in fact, he practically demanded it, I capitulated and text him. But I used my google voice number. So there!  Anyway, I digress.  Here is what that text conversation looked like:

+: hello sexy 3:41 PM
Me: Hi. What you up to? 3:42 PM
+: baby am home chilling and u ? 3:44 PM
Me: Still working. It's lovely and chilly here. What's it like there? 3:46 PM
+: its normal weather here baby. what kind of work do you do 3:47 PM
Me: I'm trying to open my own business. Tax prep, bookkeeping. what do you do? 3:49 PM
+: well i work for a construction company and i love what i do but only that am kinda stressed because
 i need to get a personal assistant to my job, or would you work for me ? hahahhah lol 3:58 PM
Me: ;) why do you need an assistant? I need an assistant too. maybe we could split one. heeee. 3:59 PM
+: well the work is becoming too stressful for me alone so i need a personal assistant that i can trust ok ? 4:09 PM
Me: I know exactly what you mean. Things pile up . . 4:10 PM
+: yeah you got it right, you know am into construction and i have labours in some states 
working for me, so the job is just to dispatch some funds to them through a transfer office 4:15 PM
Me: Ok. Well, I'm sure you know what you're doing. Sounds very exciting. 4:16 PM
+: its a simple job ok ? but all i need is trust and working at the right time because working late might 
disturb the labours ok ? 4:23 PM
Me: Are you really trying to get me to do it? 4:24 PM
+: well i would love it if you can do it ok ? but am only paying $600 a week ok ? i hope its ok for you 
a week 4:27 PM
Me: Honey, you don't know me. i think you shld wait. find someone else or wait until we know better 4:28 PM
+: know you ? that doesnt mean anything to me ok ? its just that you have to be honest thats all. 
you can do the working there in your place you dont need to come down here ok ? 
do you have an account with Chase morgan bank ? because thats my registered bank 4:33 PM
Me: Well I'm honest and a hard worker. i don't have an account with chase what's your account? 4:37 PM
+: well can you open an account with Chase bank tomorrow ? so you can start the job because am 
stressed doing everything alone 4:43 PM
Me: I don't why I'd need an account there. I have another account that I use. there isn't a chase near 
my house. i don't even know where a chase is around here 4:46 PM
Me: why don't you email me your paperwork and i can help you 4:47 PM
+: you need a bank account because i would deposit fund there for you each time there is a demand of 
fund from labours in working site ok ? what bank do you use ? 4:50 PM
Me: dude. i'm bored with this game. 4:52 PM
+: common baby dont be bored, i need you to work with me because your decent and i know it ok ?
 dont be bored i swear its a very simple job 4:57 PM
+: hellllloo baby are you there 5:20 PM
+: dont be bored baby its simple 5:20 PM
Me: here's the thing. you are creepy. you've deleted your profile. you don't spell "labor" correctly - or use
 it correctly. you say bath when you mean shower 5:22 PM
Me: you are trying to steal money from me or anyone who is nice enough to believe in you. you should be
 ashamed. please stop texting me. 5:23 PM
Me: the end 5:23 PM
Me: also: don't call a woman "baby" it is GROSS! 5:24 PM
Me: get a real job. be a real man. good luck with that. 5:24 PM
+13863203815: ok thanks 5:25 PM
+13863203815: but i hate it when you say steal ok? get that byeeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:27 PM
Me: well. taking something (MONEY) that is not yours is STEALING 5:28 PM
+: stop telling me that. i hate it byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:30 PM
Me: ok bye. thief. 5:33 PM
+: your the thief byeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:37 PM

I must admit a few things.
First! I am nice enough that I have deleted his phone number.  It was probably a throw away phone anyway and he's probably using a different one now, so it isn't like I'm a saint or anything.
Second: Between 4:09 and 4:15, I was suspicious but still trying to offer the benefit of the doubt. At 4:24, I was indignant. Then I decided to play along. But as I have an incredibly short attention span and I really was trying to get some work done, I got bored.
 Third: I wrote "the end" and then couldn't stop myself from bitching and lecturing him.  My bad. Also, stole the Ba-boom or Bam! moment when I continued to engage him. 



Not much to say now, right? 

Well, the next "gentleman" who wanted to text is, oh, I don't know, in Afghanistan?  He says he's in Tennessee but then asked me what time it was there (here) and then text "good morning" at 1:08 am.  Now, technically that is morning - but give me a break.
Another time when I couldn't respond back immediately because I was driving, he accepted my explanation.  But the next day (after the good morning text - which I replied at 8:30 am my time and told him good morning, it is 8:30 am here) when I didn't hear my notification that I had a text come in he wrote:
+7: I'm here now, just got in from training...what are you doing today? 1:25 PM
+7: i guess you're always busy? or you just don't want to talk to me? 1:25 PM
Um, WTF?  You are giving attitude already? 
My response (trying to keep it light although I was irritated, to say the least:
Me: Attitude? ;) Lol. 1:33 PM
Me: Where are you? 1:35 PM
+7: here for you. 1:36 PM
He purposely evades my question.  Ok, trying to score some points by being romantic maybe? Fine.
We chat a little back and forth via text.  Nothing spectacular but nothing terrible either.  He tells me that a friend of his found his wife via that particular site, so he'd try it out.  I told him the only other guy I'd text had been a scammer he was protective and ready for action.  Sure.
Nearing the end of the conversation, I had to excuse myself for some business.  He responded that he'd be right there, waiting. Yeah, twenty minutes later when I came back, no response.  None the next day or the day after that. No response to my friendly, "How are you?"

So, REASON NUMBER 1 I don't have a boyfriend (or a MANfriend).  Men are bullshit and want to text when they don't have anything to say via email even.  I call Bullshit!

Sunday, February 10, 2013


Today I witnessed a young-ish couple having late lunch (or early dinner) at a restaurant. They were just one table over from me.  And the young male, a "cool" type, was on his cell.  And he talked and talked.  Apparently, his "bro" was on the other line.  The young woman, also a "cool" type, just sat there, eating her lunch-dinner. 
I was waiting for my meal and I ate chips.  I got a refill on my iced tea.  My dinner came and their waiter presented their bill.  She put down a card. 
So, to sum up:  He sat there being incredibly rude and she picked up the tab.  And I thought, "This is why I don't have a boyfriend, number 942."
Now, honestly, this is obviously not reason numero uno why I don't have a boyfriend but neither do I have an actual list.  There are a multitude of reasons why I don't have a romantic partner, otherwise known as a boyfriend, a husband, a lover. 
1) I am fat.  This is a big sticking point but it seems to me, as I walk the malls in our America, that overweight people are having sex with some regularity, if screaming kids in Wal-Mart are any indication. And! I have recently joined a fat-friendly online dating site.  I won't go so far as to say it is fat loving but I have been getting some nibbles, so maybe this entire post, this entire blog, is moot.
2) I am obviously damaged.  I mean I have baggage.  Like garbage bags in steamer trunks in a semi moving truck kind of baggage.  But why should that matter?  I'm mostly functional.  I own my own house.  I'm responsible (when I'm not having an episode). I know of a woman who is a schizophrenic drug addict (recovering).  She has a husband who works and takes care of her and, now, their two girls.  And it's not as if she doesn't exist.  She does.  I know her.  She's a friend of a friend but, still, I know her.  And she has a man. Not that she isn't just lovely, but pa-lease.  I'm at least as good as her. 
So I am thinking - it is a kind of funny thing - to not have a man.  To never have a man, really (because all the time I spent in a non-relationship relationship counts as bupkis if you ask me.)
And I know so many women that are not me, that are beautiful and thin and fun and smart, and they aren't in relationships either.  What is going on?
So I am here and I am going to see if I can document why I won't sell myself short, what I will not accept, to hopefully get to what is acceptable and find out what it is I want - and finally, ultimately, get myself some companionship (and god please, some sex).
Let's see what happens, shall we?