Tuesday, February 12, 2013

No. 1 (Probably)

So, I mentioned that I am trying online dating again. (Seriously, this is the most ridiculous way to meet someone and I have endured it at least a dozen times.)
And why I don't have a boyfriend?
Men type, "Hi - love your smile (eyes, hair, _____ ). Here is my phone number, text me." 
Seriously?  I don't know you.  I don't want to give you my phone number.  I don't even want people I do know to have my personal phone number, i.e. my cell.
Some men get tired very quickly.  Some stick it out.  Some don't seem to really want to go anywhere, so on one occasion, being so bored with it/him, I offered my phone number.

So trying my hand at online dating (a fat-girl site) anew, when a "gentleman" wrote he wanted me to text him please, in fact, he practically demanded it, I capitulated and text him. But I used my google voice number. So there!  Anyway, I digress.  Here is what that text conversation looked like:

+: hello sexy 3:41 PM
Me: Hi. What you up to? 3:42 PM
+: baby am home chilling and u ? 3:44 PM
Me: Still working. It's lovely and chilly here. What's it like there? 3:46 PM
+: its normal weather here baby. what kind of work do you do 3:47 PM
Me: I'm trying to open my own business. Tax prep, bookkeeping. what do you do? 3:49 PM
+: well i work for a construction company and i love what i do but only that am kinda stressed because
 i need to get a personal assistant to my job, or would you work for me ? hahahhah lol 3:58 PM
Me: ;) why do you need an assistant? I need an assistant too. maybe we could split one. heeee. 3:59 PM
+: well the work is becoming too stressful for me alone so i need a personal assistant that i can trust ok ? 4:09 PM
Me: I know exactly what you mean. Things pile up . . 4:10 PM
+: yeah you got it right, you know am into construction and i have labours in some states 
working for me, so the job is just to dispatch some funds to them through a transfer office 4:15 PM
Me: Ok. Well, I'm sure you know what you're doing. Sounds very exciting. 4:16 PM
+: its a simple job ok ? but all i need is trust and working at the right time because working late might 
disturb the labours ok ? 4:23 PM
Me: Are you really trying to get me to do it? 4:24 PM
+: well i would love it if you can do it ok ? but am only paying $600 a week ok ? i hope its ok for you 
a week 4:27 PM
Me: Honey, you don't know me. i think you shld wait. find someone else or wait until we know better 4:28 PM
+: know you ? that doesnt mean anything to me ok ? its just that you have to be honest thats all. 
you can do the working there in your place you dont need to come down here ok ? 
do you have an account with Chase morgan bank ? because thats my registered bank 4:33 PM
Me: Well I'm honest and a hard worker. i don't have an account with chase what's your account? 4:37 PM
+: well can you open an account with Chase bank tomorrow ? so you can start the job because am 
stressed doing everything alone 4:43 PM
Me: I don't why I'd need an account there. I have another account that I use. there isn't a chase near 
my house. i don't even know where a chase is around here 4:46 PM
Me: why don't you email me your paperwork and i can help you 4:47 PM
+: you need a bank account because i would deposit fund there for you each time there is a demand of 
fund from labours in working site ok ? what bank do you use ? 4:50 PM
Me: dude. i'm bored with this game. 4:52 PM
+: common baby dont be bored, i need you to work with me because your decent and i know it ok ?
 dont be bored i swear its a very simple job 4:57 PM
+: hellllloo baby are you there 5:20 PM
+: dont be bored baby its simple 5:20 PM
Me: here's the thing. you are creepy. you've deleted your profile. you don't spell "labor" correctly - or use
 it correctly. you say bath when you mean shower 5:22 PM
Me: you are trying to steal money from me or anyone who is nice enough to believe in you. you should be
 ashamed. please stop texting me. 5:23 PM
Me: the end 5:23 PM
Me: also: don't call a woman "baby" it is GROSS! 5:24 PM
Me: get a real job. be a real man. good luck with that. 5:24 PM
+13863203815: ok thanks 5:25 PM
+13863203815: but i hate it when you say steal ok? get that byeeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:27 PM
Me: well. taking something (MONEY) that is not yours is STEALING 5:28 PM
+: stop telling me that. i hate it byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:30 PM
Me: ok bye. thief. 5:33 PM
+: your the thief byeeeeeeeeeeeee 5:37 PM

I must admit a few things.
First! I am nice enough that I have deleted his phone number.  It was probably a throw away phone anyway and he's probably using a different one now, so it isn't like I'm a saint or anything.
Second: Between 4:09 and 4:15, I was suspicious but still trying to offer the benefit of the doubt. At 4:24, I was indignant. Then I decided to play along. But as I have an incredibly short attention span and I really was trying to get some work done, I got bored.
 Third: I wrote "the end" and then couldn't stop myself from bitching and lecturing him.  My bad. Also, stole the Ba-boom or Bam! moment when I continued to engage him. 



Not much to say now, right? 

Well, the next "gentleman" who wanted to text is, oh, I don't know, in Afghanistan?  He says he's in Tennessee but then asked me what time it was there (here) and then text "good morning" at 1:08 am.  Now, technically that is morning - but give me a break.
Another time when I couldn't respond back immediately because I was driving, he accepted my explanation.  But the next day (after the good morning text - which I replied at 8:30 am my time and told him good morning, it is 8:30 am here) when I didn't hear my notification that I had a text come in he wrote:
+7: I'm here now, just got in from training...what are you doing today? 1:25 PM
+7: i guess you're always busy? or you just don't want to talk to me? 1:25 PM
Um, WTF?  You are giving attitude already? 
My response (trying to keep it light although I was irritated, to say the least:
Me: Attitude? ;) Lol. 1:33 PM
Me: Where are you? 1:35 PM
+7: here for you. 1:36 PM
He purposely evades my question.  Ok, trying to score some points by being romantic maybe? Fine.
We chat a little back and forth via text.  Nothing spectacular but nothing terrible either.  He tells me that a friend of his found his wife via that particular site, so he'd try it out.  I told him the only other guy I'd text had been a scammer he was protective and ready for action.  Sure.
Nearing the end of the conversation, I had to excuse myself for some business.  He responded that he'd be right there, waiting. Yeah, twenty minutes later when I came back, no response.  None the next day or the day after that. No response to my friendly, "How are you?"

So, REASON NUMBER 1 I don't have a boyfriend (or a MANfriend).  Men are bullshit and want to text when they don't have anything to say via email even.  I call Bullshit!

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